In all my Truth, I was a pro at blaming others when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted them to. Whether it was not being chosen for the lead in the school play, dropping the baton during the 4×200 quarter-finals track meet, or being cheated on by an ex-boyfriend… if it made my blood pressure rise, left me feeling defeated or caused me to shed a tear, I would blame someone else.

Which makes perfect sense why this pattern of thinking followed me into Wife life. I spent many years being resentful towards my husband when I felt slighted, or simply unhappy by anything he said or did to hurt my feelings. I blamed him for our financial woes, our decrease in sex and intimacy and for choosing a restaurant for dinner that I didn’t have a taste for.

I mean, he has a degree in finance, so WHY were we in debt?

And he’s the man, so WHY was he not initiating sex?

He knew I mentioned sushi last week, so WHY choose pizza?

By definition, fault means a bad quality or part of someone’s character, or a weakness that prevents something from being perfect.

So imagine how I felt when I realized it was MY fault, and I had to take ownership and responsibility for the part of my character that contributed to the disconnection we were experiencing in our marriage.

Here’s how I knew it was my F.A.U.L.T:

F- Forgiveness

This is always a tough one because we typically think of forgiveness as giving a pass, or letting someone get away with the wrong they did to us. In Reality, forgiveness is giving up the hope you can change the past. The most successful way for me to forgive my husband was to forgive myself first. I literally made a list of everything I needed to forgive myself for, going back as far as I could remember. By doing this, I could see a pattern of frustration, guilt, and embarrassment because of the choices I had made. I realized I had been outwardly blaming others while internally beating myself up for allowing people to hurt me. Going through the process of self-forgiving allowed me to give myself permission to have the quality of life I desired instead of consistently looking for at my husband as a reminder of defeat.

A- Accountability

To be accountable means you take responsibility for your actions, and I wasn’t interested in taking part in ANY of that! I really can’t count the number of times I said, “you made me…” to justify the way I communicated or behaved toward my husband. What I do recall is the day I had to tell myself why I thought and felt the way I did when my feelings got hurt. Ultimately, I had to practice self-control by challenging myself to explain my actions without using the words, “you” or “he”. Yeah, accountability puts #checkyourBS to the test!

U- Understanding

Think about how often you say, “I don’t know” in response to a question. So the question I began asking myself was, “what would my answer be if I did know?” Blaming my husband was a reflection of my lack of understanding. What I learned is a confused mind can’t make choices, so I found myself making a lot of assumptions about his intentions. There was no doubt we were emotionally disconnected, and I had to ask myself two very tough questions:

How did we get here, and how long am I willing to stay?

Because I was spending so much time blaming him, I didn’t have the energy to grasp the meaning of why things like our finances and physical connection were suffering. What I learned about myself was every answer I ever wanted to know, I already knew and it was my fault that helped me understand why.

L- Love

In order to receive love, you must be the love you desire.

Let me say that again.

In order to receive love, you must be the love you desire.

In other words, you have to lead by example and Truth be told, I hadn’t loved myself in a very long time. Prior to meeting my husband, my history with men clearly reflected a lack of awareness of my worth and self-love. I was so resentful toward him for not loving me the way I needed to be loved when I honestly didn’t know what it meant to love myself. In essence, I was requiring of him what I was unable to do for myself. What worked for me was reading through 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7 and replacing the word love with my name. Talk about an eye-opener! When I found myself pointing the finger at him, I used this process to challenge myself to show him, which ultimately taught him how I wanted and needed to be loved.

T- Truth

Let me tell you this. Truth hurts most when you’re in denial, and not owning my own feelings allowed unattended pain to run deep and wide through my soul. When I took a hard look in the mirror, I didn’t recognize myself so why was I blaming him for being emotionally detached from this stranger? I teach my clients that Truth is the place where your heart and mind meet to be in the will of God. When I searched my heart, I truly desired peace and happiness, yet my mind was focused on why my husband wasn’t giving me what I needed. I had become a victim and I owned all that came along with it. In order to heal and make room for our marriage to grow, I had to go through the process of self-awareness to discover who I am.

So yeah, it was my fault and continues to be. I am responsible for the forgiveness, accountability, understanding, love, and Truth to be the Wife I say I want to be.

Now it’s your turn to think about your fault. What can you do to improve the part of your character that stops you from having the marriage you desire?

Because blaming them will continue to make you believe it has nothing to do with you. And to have the type of relationship you want with your spouse, this is a F.A.U.L.T. you can no longer deny.