Let me start by saying I think it’s hilarious when people take pictures of themselves! Seriously, have you ever watched someone prepare for the perfect selfie? Something about the moment between the snap and viewing is crucial, and you can tell by their facial expression if they were pleased or not. After three to four shots, they choose the best one, find a filter, think of a caption, and off it goes to show their effortless confidence.

Quite the process, wouldn’t you say? Let’s be clear. Posting a selfie allows you to visually express how you see and feel about yourself, which has become the norm of social media. So how much confidence do you have when verbally communicating your wants and needs to your spouse?

Think about it.

Are you more comfortable showing your selfie online than you are during uncomfortable conversations in your marriage?

What I know to be Truth, we show people what we want them to see. Similar to how your selfie gets “likes” on social media, here are 3 ways to position yourself to be more appreciated, respected and loved when communicating with your spouse.

1. Always check your background

In terms of a picture, the background is the part that represents what lies behind the objects. In marriage, you are the object. Now think about the lies you tell yourself. Have you ever thought “I can deal with it” or “I’ll get over it” when your spouse upsets or disappoints you? When you don’t acknowledge your Truth, your feelings will turn into resentment and anger leading to aggressive communication, which impacts intimacy and connection with your spouse.

Note to selfie: Checking your background means having the courage to be vulnerable with your spouse when you feel unhappy or insecure, which can help build trust and create scenery for a healthy marriage to grow.

2. Know your angles

Ask any professional selfie taker (because I’m certain there is such a thing) and they will agree that angles are EVERYTHING! Remember the crucial moment I talked about between the snap and viewing of your picture? To avoid exposing your flaws, you make sure it’s a good reflection of you before you present it, right? So let’s think in terms of communication and the time between what you think, and what you say. It’s important to be clear on the feelings you want to express while also being respectful of how you approach your spouse during heated discussions. Similar to how you get your phone out, ‘cause you gotta hit them angles…positioning yourself to be heard is a learned behavior that requires practice to build your confidence and prepare for the conversation.

Note to selfie: Knowing your angle can help you avoid arguments by being intentional about the direction you want the conversation to go. As a result, you will allow the best side of your selfie to be present with the purpose of creating a solution.

3. Be the main focus

Communicating with phrases like “You said…”, “You did…”, “You didn’t…” or “You need to…” is NOT a good look! In fact, these are triggers that can make your spouse feel attacked or defeated, and in return, they will give you a defensive response or shut down. When your goal is to express your concerns or feelings, consider beginning with power statements such as “I feel…”, “I heard…”, “I want…”, or “I need…” to concentrate on your Truth instead of your assumptions about them.

Note to selfie: To focus means to be the center of attention, or to be seen clearly. When done successfully, you can position yourself, to be honest, and open about challenges in the marriage and your area of improvements.

Ok, so while I’m metaphorically speaking, the overall question is simple:

Is the confident selfie you present on social media present in your marriage?

Because if there is a difference between the two, perhaps it’s time to filter your words more than your photos… #checkyourBS